Grieving

Our last photo together

Okay March I was a no show… I was MIA in the rest of life too, really.

It finally hit me that my Dad had passed and I was really struggling to cope with it. I am by no means an expert on grief and even though I’ve had my share of heart break and loss, the loss of my Dad was by far the hardest thing that I have ever had to endure. It is a daily struggle to not cry. It was a dark spot in life. The smallest things would set off the water works for a few weeks. I cried for so many different reasons from not having him here any longer, fear of the pain that he went through, fear of not having told him how much I loved him, not letting him know how much he meant to me, sadness that he won’t get to watch my little boy grow up, sadness that he won’t get to meet future children, sadness over the loss of one of my best friends. You see, my Dad and I were exceptionally close. I know that people say that all of the time but really, I called my Dad every day, we had that same dry sense of humor, the same dislike for stupidity, the same cynical thoughts about the world (not all of our thoughts are cynical but we do tend to mock a bit). My Dad was my hero, he was my friend, my confidant, my sounding board, he was the measure to which I’ve held almost every other relationship up to in my life. Some might say that equates to “Daddy Issues” but I don’t think that is the case. My Dad wasn’t always perfect and he knew it. He battled his demons and he apologized when he knew he was wrong. He taught me that people can change, even when you think that there is no way, they can. 

I was given the opportunity to tell my father how much he meant to me, how proud I was of him, and how I thought that he had done a good job as a parent. It wasn’t enough. Let me say that again, IT WAS NOT ENOUGH!!! Even though I got to tell him all of those things, I still feel like there are words untold, joy not conveyed, and questions unanswered. I know that I did what I could while he was here, I took the time to be with him, but it still feels like I missed out. So, if you have someone in your life that you love, someone that means the world to you, TELL THEM!!! Tell them every single day! Tell them!!!!