Clark Meets The World... Part 2

The last post we left off with the doctor telling me to relax about the possibility of having to go through two more days of unproductive contractions before meeting my son… What an ass!!!

Travis and I headed back to our hospital room to try and get some sleep. He nodded off in a heartbeat, I tossed and turned for a bit and then finally fell off. Around 330 in the morning I woke up to go to the bathroom. I finished in the restroom and get back in bed. Maybe ten minutes later I hear what sounds like someone snapping a rubber band on my skin and feel a thump dead center of my stomach just below my navel. “What the heck was that?” I wonder and get out of bed by pure instinct, and then the water flows….

“Um, Monkey (this is my nickname for Travis), I think my water broke.” He wakes up and groggily says, “What makes you think that?” The reason he asks this and doesn’t
immediately jump out of bed is because I’m like the girl who cried wolf… I had said these five words to him multiple times throughout my pregnancy because (TMI WARNING) you are not able to prepare for the amount of discharge that you will have during pregnancy, you will at one point or another think that your water has broken, when in reality it is just your vagina giving you a little jump start to your day.

I digress, back to his question, “what makes you think that?” “Uh, er, um the puddle of water I’m standing in.” Now he is out of the bed! I didn’t even see him move the blankets or strip of his pjs, he is like Clark Kent in a telephone booth, all I know is that he is at my side fully dressed and all of a sudden the first MIND BLOWING,KNEE BUCKLING, PUNCH YOUR MOTHER IN THE MOUTH CONTRACTION hits. I grab the end of the bed, lean over and say, “HOLY FUCK!!!!” More water… The contraction subsides and I head to the bathroom to remove my soaked pants and underwear and change. No sooner than I get up from the toilet, WHAM!!! Next contraction. This one makes me crossed eyed, my life flashes before my eyes, the room spins… What the fuck have I signed up for? Why in god’s name do people have more than one child?

Travis calls my friend Jamie and tells her to get to the hospital, the water busted, the contractions are started and it is go time! He and I head to the delivery room. As we walk in I say to the midwife, “I think my water broke.” She looks at my soaking wet pants and the trail of amniotic fluid that I’ve left behind in order to find my way home and says, “I think so.”

Jamie walks in. I don’t know how the time seems to be passing so quickly, it is almost 5 and I am having these horrible contractions back to back it seems, they are coming every 3 minutes and they are mother effing relentless. The midwife offers me a large sanitary pad to catch the fluid so that I don’t flood the room, she then hands me a pair of white, throw away, medical panties. These things are quite possibly the ugliest things you could imagine. I immediately put them on and in my “HIGH” from not being in the middle of a contraction proceed to dance and sing, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly, I don’t think you’re ready, cause my body’s too bootylishous for ya babe!” While simultaneously rubbing my big ass and baby bump. The midwife, Travis, and Jamie all start laughing hysterically, Jamie snaps a photo… (don’t think you’re getting a view… not gonna happen)

The next contraction hits like a frying pan to the face! I’m bent over the bed, Travis is rubbing my lower back trying to apply counter pressure, I think this is where the BITCH comes in. “Harder!” I snap. He obliges. The contraction is gone. I sit on a medicine ball, and try to go through the next contraction on that, it doesn’t help. Back to the bed on my hands and knees, Travis rubbing my lower back, I am swaying my hips left to right. Jamie steps to my right side, she thinks that I am about to fall off the bed because my knee is so close to the edge. I am trying to breathe through them, they keep coming, the pain is worsening. I am starting to freak out. I have to pee, take me to the bathroom. We walk to the bathroom, Travis, Jamie, Heike (the midwife), and me in my lovely underwear and a tank top. Thank god it is the crack of damn dawn and there isn’t anyone in the hallway to witness this madness. I know for a fact I look like a crazy person. Jamie has been pouring cold water on my neck because I’m so hot, my hair is like medusa, and I’m in
medicinal drawers… MRS. AMERICA HERE I COME!!!

We get to the bathroom, this room is the size of a closet, not a walk in closet, a shoe closet, there are three of us in there and my IV cart, it is hot, it is cramped, and I start another contraction. I then proceed to have an anxiety attack… “Travis, I cannot do this. I want to go home. I will come back tomorrow and try again, I promise. I want to go home.” I use his first name for emphasis, so that he knows that I am serious. He tries to calm me by telling me how awesome I am, how I am already doing such a great job and how he knows that I can get through this. I am pissed. He isn’t listening. I really can’t do this. I look Heike straight in the eye and say, “Heike, I need medicine. Get me the epidural.” She knows that I am serious. I have, for the past 40 hours, turned down every offer of medicinal assistance for this journey, she can see the severity in my face, she heads for the paperwork.

We walk back to the delivery room; another contraction takes my breath away. Heike returns with the paperwork to fill out for the epidural, she hands it to Travis and says, “you need to fill this out with your wife.” He takes the clipboard, another contraction hits, Travis puts the clipboard down to assist me and I snarl, “FILL OUT THE PAPERWORK. NOW!” He withdraws himself from assisting with counter pressure… He fills out the paperwork and takes it back to the midwife. She says, “the anesthesiologist will be here shortly.” I do not believe a word of it, they are never able to make it in “shortly”, they usually take forever.

Within thirty minutes Heike tells me that the doctor is in, he is in the next room going over my chart and will be in to talk to me within minutes. Contraction…

In walks Lurch from the Addams family, this guy has to be 6’9 and skinny skinny skinny. He introduces himself, “Helloooo, my name is Croissant.” I don’t know what catches my attention first, the fact that he is speaking so slowly that he sounds as if he hit up some of the pain meds before making his way down to the delivery room, or the fact that he just said his name is Croissant. I look at Travis, “Did he just say his name is Croissant?” To which Travis replies, “yes, like the breakfast pastry.” I think I might have just died…

Croissant then proceeds to take ten minutes explaining the procedure and the possible side effects or negative results. With each side effect he counters with, “but that isn’t likely.” I’m thinking, “if it isn’t likely, shut the eff up and give me the meds!” He asks if I want to proceed. I am in mid contraction and
grabbing the paperwork to sign it… HELL YEAH I WANT TO!!!!

Next Post… Pain Meds and Delivery…