Clark goes to the NICU

Baby Blog?

I wonder if this is starting to turn into a baby blog, I know that there are more things to come but right now my life revolves around Clark. I know that after a while, once we get into a routine, things will change. I will be starting my Body After Baby journey and writing about that. I have already started taking photos to show the progress that comes right after birth, without exercise, and once I swallow the sharp pill that comes with eyeing up my post baby body pictures I will post them for the entire world to see. I think that it is important for people to see what the body of a mother looks like. A real life woman, that isn’t touched up with air brushing or people to do her hair and makeup. So I will be posting those soon.

To continue from after the birth of Clark and to catch up to
today:

Clark had an infection in his blood when he was born. The doctors weren’t sure what it was from, something about my epithelial cells getting into his system and causing the levels to increase… Who knows. After he was born Travis and I were in pure bliss. We went back to our room, I took a shower (to the dismay of the midwife on duty, she couldn’t believe I was up and moving around), and then we had a couple of visitors. Jamie came back for a few hours, my friends Cassie and Agnes came to see the new addition and then around 8 we kicked them all out. I was TIRED. Travis had taken a nap while I was in the shower and cleaning myself up, I was still working on the 3.5 hours I had gotten from the night before. I put Clark in his bassinet and tried to get in a nap while he slept. Travis said that he would take diaper duty for the night but I figured that I would let him get as much sleep as possible, since I needed to feed Clark and then he could snuggle him all the next day while I napped. This lead to me getting roughly 4-5 hours of sleep through the night. Needless to say, I was tired again the next day.

Sunday brought more visitors, a short nap, lots of snuggling with Clark and going over the previous days events in my mind in complete disbelief about the fact that this cutie pie was in my belly less than 24 hours ago. I still can’t believe it! Then the doctors came in to get Clark, they wanted to run another blood test. They said that they wanted to check a liver level and that there wasn’t anything to worry about, they would send the results to Heidelberg and have him checked out the next day by the pediatrician. When they said they were sending the results to Heidelberg, I thought that they meant to the military hospital that we were supposed to go to for a three day checkup once we were dismissed, so I didn’t give it a second thought.

At 10PM the doctor came in and said, “I have bad news, Clarks got an infection and the doctors from the University Klinik are coming to get him, he needs to go to the NICU.” I am in the middle of breast feeding, and I don’t want to freak out but inside I’m screaming, “NO NO NO NO!!! NOT MY BABY!!!” Tears are streaming down my face, I’m trying to take in everything that she is saying, a million thoughts are swirling around in my head, and I just don’t want to let go of my little boy. She says she will be back as soon as they get there.

She isn’t gone for more than ten minutes and a nurse comes in, she only speaks German, she says, “The doctors are here to take your son.” I somehow manage not only to ask her if the doctor is coming to our room, but I manage it in perfect German (something usually allocated for drunken evenings when I have lost all inhibitions in my foreign tongue). She tells me no, that we are supposed to go to him. So I wrap Clark up in a blanket and snuggle him close, with tears running down my face we make the walk to the doctors office. This was the longest walk of my life, dread, fear and pain… I cannot describe the feelings that come over you when you are so completely helpless. I hand Clark over to the doctor who explains that she is going to put in an IV, and then we can come back. Travis and I go and sit in the hallway andwait…

After the IV is inserted the doctor tells me that if my doctor will release me then we are able to go to the NICU with Clark, that the KinderKlinik believes that it is more beneficial to the child to have his mother by his side, they will provide a bed for me to sleep next to him. I LOVE THE GERMAN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM!!!! She also tells me that I cannot ride in the ambulance because it is full, that Travis will have to drive me. UM OKAY!!! GET ME THE EFFF OUTTA HERE!!! I haul ass to my room, pack my shit in less than two minutes and head to see my doc. She does a check of the girl bits to see how they are healing, and then gives Travis a five minute spiel about aftercare, the only comment that I hear is, “Mr. Dixon I am going to direct this to you because I’m sure that your wife is not going to remember any of it, her mind is with her son.” GENIUS!!! This must not be her first trip to the rodeo…

Travis and I are off to Heidelberg… When we get there we go to the 10th floor, I walk in and ask for my son. A wonderful woman that speaks broken English (Much better than my German) takes me to Clark. She has made a bed for me next to his and is explaining that I can stay until he is able to leave. She then says, “he can sleep with you but I would prefer it if he slept in his bed.” She has him attached to a heart rate monitor and an O2 monitor; she has already changed his diaper and is asking me about how I prefer to feed him. I am a wreck. Travis gets me settled and stays with me for a few hours. I tell him he should go home and get some rest; it looks like this is going to be a long road to hoe.

Travis heads home and Clark and I try to settle in for the night. Clark starts to get cranky. I feed him every hour but it isn’t making him any better. Ingrid, the night nurse that has been so kind, comes in with a pacifier; she asks me if it is okay to give it to him. I have read that this isn’t a great idea for mothers who are trying to breastfeed because it can cause problems but Clark is inconsolable, I agree to let her. I cry… A LOT. The night is long, I don’t sleep, I can barely breath, there are so many questions, I want to make my baby better, I am helpless.

Travis comes back to the hospital, Clark is still inconsolable, the pacifier is starting to lose its luster, I have no breast milk yet, and colostrum isn’t cutting it. A new nurse comes in and asks if she can feed him with some formula, I cry even more… My poor baby is sick and he is hungry, I know that he needs the calories to fight this infection, I allow it but not without a lot of tears. I am not whaling or throwing a temper tantrum, I haven’t yet, I just have these silent tears constantly streaming down my face, I can’t do anything for my son, I am tired, weak, and slowly losing my mind.

The day goes by, the doctors come in for rounds. This is a teaching hospital so there are multiple people in the room explaining what the next steps are, we are going to be here for 7 days, 5 days of antibiotics and two days of testing his levels after the antibiotics to ensure that he is recovering. These “doctors” all look like babies themselves, I can’t get past how young they are. Holy moly.

The day starts to wear me down, Travis says that he wants me to go home for the night. I don’t want to hear it, what kind of mother goes home when she can stay with her baby? I am refusing… He is adamant. It takes me calling my two best friends, my sister, my dad and my mom to finally decide that he might be right, maybe I need to get some rest to be able to take care of my son. It has been four nights since I last slept more than two hours at a time. My body is breaking and my brain is fried. I say goodbye to Clark and Travis basically drags me out of there.

At home I am a wreck, I want to be with my son, I cannot concentrate on what I need to be doing. I decide that a shower is in order and then a beer and some sleep. The shower is wonderful; I just let the water run down my back and chest, I am starting to relax, just a little. I go down stairs and drink my first beer since February and it is GOOD!!! Travis puts me in bed and heads off to Heidelberg to be with our boy. He stays with Clark for hours, he feeds him, snuggles him and gives him the love that he needs.

The next morning I wake up with a surprise! MILK!!! Lots and lots of milk! My tits are HUGE!!! I yell, “Babe, wake up! We have to get to the hospital! I need to feed my baby!”

We get to the hospital too late, by an hour. I have to wait for Clark to wake up so I can feed him. He eats like a champ. We have to weigh him before and after each feeding to see how much milk he is getting. He averages between 70-80 ml, roughly 3.5ounces. I am super excited!!! Then I learn to pump off the rest of my milk for stockpile. Travis has decided that it is best for me to go home at night to get caught up on rest before Clark comes home for good. That means I really need to stockpile; I am only pumping around 40ml after each feeding… So our schedule goes like this, feed Clark, Clark sleeps, I pump, change diaper, feed, Clark sleeps, I pump… etc. At night I go home, Clark eats his weight in stockpiled liquid gold and I come back in the morning to feed him. The cycle starts over. We do this for four days.

On Thursday the chief of the NICU comes in and tells us that because Clark is recovering so well and putting on weight, he is going to let us leave on Friday instead of Monday, provided we see our pediatrician on Monday. YAY!!!! Friday comes and we get the okay to get out of there. We are on our way home to start our new life with our new baby! You’ve never seen two people happier than Travis and I!